we must buy presents
because it is Christmas
we must come together
because it is Christmas
we must keep smiling
because it is Christmas
we must be pleasant company
because it is Christmas
we must keep up the facade
because it is Christmas
we must avoid conflict
because it is Christmas
we must be relaxed and perfectly fine
because it is fucking Christmas
urging to get up
to find the place
where everything goes
no consideration
for the implications
on the sleeper's needs
deaf to any bargaining
immune to most reasoning
resistant to all opposing forces
master of the cognitive
usurper of the higher functions
in the end gaining the upper hand
the blank mind
does not know what to write
everything sounds hollow and empty
the blank page
does dare to be written upon
menacing on the screen
the deadline
does remind of the delivery
coming nearer with every passing day
me sitting at the computer
me trying to concentrate
me in a room with people constantly talking
me at another's desk
me trying to explain something
me surrounded by ongoing discussions
me reading my e-mails
me trying to get things done
me in an environment of loud noises
me finally at home
me trying not to collapse
me exhausted from being at the office
hello, it’s me, your inner voice
I’m here to remind you, that you can’t do that
you’re not qualified enough
you’re lacking ambition
you haven’t what it takes to do that
nobody will give a shit
it won’t work
don’t bother even trying
it is futile, so why even start?
come on, we both know you can’t do that
what, if something went wrong?
you know what? it is pointless
…
me not wanting to have kids
me not feeling attraction
me not understanding what all the fuss is about
me failing to express myself
why do I have to reproduce?
why do I need to fall in love?
why do I want to exchange bodily fluids?
me failing to understand expectations
me finding words
me finding support
me finding resources
me finally able to talk
me knowing I don't need to do anything
me knowing there are others like me
me knowing that I can contribute
me feeling proud to be asexual
sometimes
I feel lost
and lonely
like I'm all alone
out there
sometimes
I feel the joy
of the whole world
resonating
within me
sometimes
I feel the burden
of being me
among
others
sometimes
I don't care
what others
think or say
about me
sometimes
I feel to much
and I do care
what others
do and say
to me
sometimes
the world is
a cruel place
to live in
sometimes
I want peace
and quiet
without
fighting
sometimes
I want
belonging
without
outing
sometimes
I wish
sometimes
could be
every time
sometimes
maybe
all of us
could be
a little bit
more inclusive
for all of us
every time I feel the need to rest
it feels like there is something very important I must do
every time I rest
it feels like I am accomplishing nothing
every time I succumb to exhaustion
it feels like half a day is gone
every time I am barely rested
it feels like I need to make up for unused time
every time I think about rest
it feels like I need to justify it to myself
looking for stars
finding voids
taking a break
working even harder
grasping for straws
touching nothing
trying to concentrate
getting distracted
starting to write
losing focus
delaying to another day
hoping for a better outcome
at the faintest sound
ready to freeze
at the tiniest glimpse
ready to run
at the slightest touch
ready to fight
every fiber in the body
prepared for survival
ready all the time
prepared for every occasion
still building up the tautness
still tightening more and more
never feeling any of the tension
never sensing the strain
until the tiny cracks appear
and the muscles tear apart
a burning sensation
a lack of strength
everything tumbling down
everything breaking apart
no energy left
just endless rest
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